emotional motion sickness

Ayah just gave me a business pep talk, kind of much needed rn to be honest.

My business has been pretty stagnant lately, and sometimes i feel helpless not knowing how or what to do. There are days when it is at its peak, but there are days where we are not busy at all, we linger around not knowing what to do. And me as the business owner, I would feel bad because I have no idea what else can I do to generate more sales, to have more orders. I mean I own the business, I should somehow know how/ what can we do to be better, what can we push to get more orders, and what are the marketing strategies I need to take to move on past this? Right...?

But frankly speaking, I don't know how and the feeling is soo.... overwhelming T.T

Sometimes I don't even know if what I'm doing is even correct. Am I not pushing myself enough? Am I too comfortable in my current state? Am I not taking this business seriously? Because if I work hard enough, I should know how this whole thing works right? Am I slacking off that's why it's been pretty dormant lately? Am I distracted by something else? Am I succumbing to my hobbies so much, I spend lesser time thinking about business? The list goes on and on.

I mean where do you draw the line? Some people say you should spend 100% of your time investing in things that give benefits to you and your career. Don't get distracted with hobbies that cannot be monetized, meaningless relationships, or wasting time reading fiction books. But then some people vouch for filling the self-love bucket, taking breaks, having a life. And some others say both career and personal-life tanks should be equally filled and I stand there thinking, how the hell are you supposed to juggle this whole thing? 

Ayah told me during the pep talk, about doubling up my clients, about doing a proper accounting, thinking how to sustain the business. About being realistic. He was asking about my business plan 5 years forward. How to make more money for me and future kids' security. He mentioned bunch and bunch of numbers and told me to be sharper with maths cause I'm dealing with business here, i just sit there, thinking "man maybe I am that dumb" xD But I'm grateful to have him nevertheless. He's not the fluffy uplifting "You're doing great sweetie" type. More of that garang serious coach vibes but behind his stern persona, he means well <3

I think life has been a series of unknown things being thrown at my face (all of us) and having to somewhat know how to navigate thru it. It has been rather apparent too lately, that you don't just magically know how to adult. My 13 year old self thought I would probably have it all together at 25. Welp, jokes on ya.

We all have our struggles lah kan. Sometimes I look at other people, and I think to myself, how do you figure it out? Did they sign up for an unknown "adulting 101" class I don't know about? Or are we all just pretending to sort of have our shits together? Or maybe we are all equally overwhelmed? Lols idek. 

But I thank God every day I have my family members to guide me thru this. Sometimes I wonder how did they manage to know how to maneuver this whole thing, while I'm struggling, barely breathing (being hyperbolic here) every day of my life huhu

Sometimes I just feel so incapable, handicapped. Ini tak tahu, itu tak tahu. Like it makes me feel so dumb T.T I just know that I don't know a lot of things and that feeling of not knowing shit takes up immense space in my brain, I'll end up feeling bad because I somehow should know how everything works, I mean I am 25 no? Or maybe I should cut myself some slack because this whole thing is so new to me? I literally just stepped into this whole grown-up world fiasco a couple of years ago. Maybe I should be patient because I'll figure out how to invest in property or how tax works eventually? Taktahuuuuuuuu. 

Semak laaa this overwhelming feeling sebenarnya tau.

I pray to Allah everyday to help me (and all of us) to ease my journey in this dunya & and the hereafter. To help me feel peace. To help me know what to do. To send me guidance.  To help me love and talk to myself better. To not be pessimistic and negative towards myself. To not let my tendency to overthink get the best of me. To refrain from wallowing in self-pity. To refrain from giving in to stress. To refrain from cursing at the tests You have decided I'm worthy of. To give me motivation, and the strength to get back up from calamity. To give me the patience to go thru every mundane days. To make me fully aware of my blessings. To give me clarity on stuff I have no knowledge of. 

Ya Allah i know nothing, and you are the All-Knowing. Help meee gain clarity from all of this T.T