dear future, you can wait.
Yesterday before i went to bed, i was imagining my retiring days. Traveling all around the world, managing my million dollar business, maybe i'll have one store in Tokyo? I'll probably be reading self help books by the beach every 3 months too.
---- Then the imaginary images of 35 year old me fizzled, when i realized it has only been 2 years since i started my business.
Why so soon?
I find myself looking back and looking forward too much. It's funny cause all i ever wanted in highschool was to go to culinary school, and all i wanted during degree was to get my business started. Now that i am managing my own business, i am already thinking of retiring early? HAHA wth nadh?
No, it's not because i hate my job, I LOVE IT TOO MUCH. I enjoy every second of it, but to be frank, life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. There are frustrating moments, i get tired and fail a whole lot. Maybe that's why we have a hard time appreciating the present. Because right at this moment, you can actively experience the pain and disappointment from every bad days & from our flawed reality. Life looks so linear looking back, and linear looking forward, but the present feels bumpy. The present feels intense, cause you're here.
Things happen all throughout your life, but nostalgia is so sugarcoated, we tend to filter the bad memories and cherry pick the good ones. But in reality, the past is just as flawed. As for the future, we don't have much control over it, but actually it's the glimmering hope that we hold on to so much, even when in reality, things will turn out just the same as the present.
I think something distant is always so alluring. We fantasize about our future, and sometimes, most of the times, we yearn for what we can't have. Human nature, no? But if i'm constantly on the go, constantly looking forward, what am i gonna look forward to for when i turn 60? Cause at 60, i'll give it 15 years before it's time to REALLY go.
I don't wanna live my life in vain, i want to cherish the good, the bad, the disappointments, the failures, the successes because by 60, these are the things i wanna look back and feel proud of. The dynamic of our reality is what makes it so exciting. The constant turbulence is what makes our life, ours.
What if my ideal future turns out to be boring? What if constantly traveling is actually boring, what if getting married is boring, what if i miss stressing out about work because parenting actually sucks?
I don't want to be a scaredy-cat anymore, not wanting to take risks cause failure hurts too bad. I wanna be resilient. Life can get the best of me, but at the end of it all, i'll stand up, brush myself off, and walk again. I don't wanna overthink about the future, because it's actually serveless. Even if making cakes is more fun-ner than raising a child, i'll go thru it like how i wanna go thru life starting now. Which is to live in the moment. Even if my future turns out to be boring, i want to live every day waking up with excitement, in tiredness and ultimately in peace. I'll learn to appreciate my mundane days.
Our life is made up of failures, success, anger, frustration, monotonous days, and days when you're on cloud 9. Let's picture this, happiness isn't the main character of our stories. Joy, anger, disgust, sadness, and fear need to coexist (LOVE INSIDE OUT!!!) because we're human.
I wanna wake up everyday feeling grateful that i am still here. Moving onwards, i'm taking it a day at a time. The future can wait, for i'll be there soon, but right now at this very moment, i'm gonna feel the bumps, and i'm gonna look back and think about how excited 15 year old Nadh would be now that she's at the very beginning of her dreams.
You are here, Nadhirah. I am forever proud of you. Like Miss Swift said,
"I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe, or if you're strike out and you're crawling home"
Appreciate every fibre of the present, because this will all be memories in a blink of an eye. Write down a page everyday, and stop rushing to get to the last chapter. Good or bad, you'll live <3
